she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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