I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
