I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
