Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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