When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
