i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Alive.
So much puke
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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