Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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