He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
