I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize