Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
