Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
