i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
