I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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