A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
