I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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