Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic