Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.