I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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