As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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