I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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