wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
