How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
