It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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