Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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