why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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