census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
