I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
