That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
