Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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