Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I will pee on everything he values.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
