my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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