i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
