My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
