I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
