textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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