No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
barbara walters just said penis...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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