Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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