when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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