If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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