So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She bit a glass in half.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
