The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
