in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
