Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
