My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
