I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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