I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
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Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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