bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
