boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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