I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My bed smells like the plague
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
