Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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