totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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