Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
