and she was petting her beer can
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
