Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
