Where did you get a picture of my penis
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
