remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
