I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
