I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think my moral compass just broke
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