He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
