Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
